Separation Anxiety

Separation can feel just as bad as a divorce, at least for me it does.  It devastated me.  And for the first year and half, I slipped into a very dark place.  Being rejected off and on in our marriage was nothing new to me, but to the point of not being wanted anymore, that our living/housing problem was too much for my husband to take anymore, was something I never saw coming.  I felt blindsided and punched in the stomach.  My spirit was broken, and my chest felt empty because I had given my heart to him.

Mind you, the marriage wasn’t all that great, but it wasn’t all that bad either.  We laughed a lot, and loved to worship together, at least I had thought so.  And we had decided to make “another go” at “working it out”, when, while at work on my lunch break, my husband phoned me and told me his decision.  My dad was there, and wanted to speak to him.  Needless to say, the words were very heated and I was left thinking, ” Where are my kids and I going to go?” {More explanation on that part later.}

So, for 3 summers, my kids and were living with my parents.

And for the first few months, the kids didn’t hear a word from their dad.  He was upset at my dad for balling him out and took it out on us.  Would you believe if I told you that it was difficult to smile; I had no energy to smile and laughing seemed like to much effort.  Pretending, during the day, that I was fine became routine.  And at night I couldn’t sleep.  I HATED it because I didn’t like feeling and being alone.  All sorts of things filled my mind.  But then morning would come and I would be “fine.”

Eventually, we started talking again.  I allowed that because I, truly, didn’t want the marriage to fail.  Especially being a “Christian family” and having 4 teens, one being my son.  It was vitally important to me that my kids see their parents get back together.   However, the constant shifting in his emotions, and tearing down of my character was too much.  Being made to feel worthless, by someone who “vowed to cherish you” was something I didn’t want to have in my life anymore.  And being a certain size was something he didn’t want in his life, along with my opinionated nature.  {More on that later, too.}

Through all this, I have felt the Lord and I become closer and filling those empty places with Himself.  This blog was birthed during this time in my life, giving me something to focus on, and to learn how to hear HIS VOICE through the junk.  My prolonged absence from blogging last fall, was due to this on going situation.

To be honest, it took me until a few months ago, to make an internal decision, that regardless of his ill-treatment of me and the separation, or divorce that might happen, I’m not going to allow myself to feel “less than” anymore.  I have value because of who I am in Jesus-worth loving and dying for…


10 Replies to “Separation Anxiety”

  1. I went through a divorce many years ago, when my daughter was two. She’s twenty now. I can relate to your feelings. I can also say, God can pick you up when you are down and show you joy when you feel there is none. God Bless you.

  2. I am always saddened when I hear about husbands and fathers turning their backs on God’s calling for them and on their vows. I echo Martha’s sentiments, You are a princess of the King of Kings and your courage in putting your hurts out there for everyone is only going to help others who are hurting. God is good. He is faithful, and nothing is meaningless when we have our faith and trust in him. “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18. God bless you.

  3. I wish I had something useful to say, Sis–I’ve been divorced forever, my decision, though I’d have rathered a reconciliation. Unlike you, I didn’t have children, so I suppose that made it easier–but divorce/separation is difficult, especially for Christians I think. God bless you BIG–love, sis Caddo

  4. Wow, you sure do have value, sister! If you were the only one He could save He’d had died just for you! You are the beautiful princess of the King of Kings! I am praying for you and admire your courage in sharing this and know it is helping people because it just touched my heart! Hugs sister! Your children see a Mom who trusts and loves and reflects her Lord! Healthy seeds are planted in them!

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