Up From Under a Dark Cloud

Moving forward with this getting real stuff, I’m noticing that the issues that were swept under the rug, are having to be dealt with.  (Weren’t they dealt with when I swept them under the rug?)  One of the issues I’ve had to acknowledge is the battle I had with depression.  It was ugly, debilitating, and I dare say, embarrassing.  Coming from a very proud family, with very strong, proud grandparents as well, I did my best to hide it. To be honest, I didn’t realize it was depression, at first.

When did it start?  I can’t pinpoint an exact date, but I noticed a shift within myself during the early stages of my marriage.  There were days when I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed.  But I would suddenly hear one of our kids, and I would be filled with an energy…from somewhere.  And I would get up and push through the day. (Let’s face it, you and I both know where the energy came from. 🙂  )  The day wouldn’t be as difficult as the night was.  My sleep and peace was under attack with an overwhelming sadness; tears for reason, and a deep pain in my spirit.

By the time I would feel sleepy, it would be a few hours before having to get up.  On and on, for years this went on, but I was able to fake it pretty well, at least I thought.  My Mother-in-law sensed something, and confronting me with it once.  But, true-to-form, I blamed it on PMS.  Of course, she didn’t believe me, but didn’t push the issue.  She kept me in her prayers.  And I tried to “keep it movin’.”  And I felt ashamed for going through this as a Christian.

For some reason, I felt that there was something wrong with my walk, that I wasn’t believing in Jesus enough. And that mindset was so self-condemning.

However, finding out what had happened to my girls, while I would be at work, and the breakup of my marriage, years later, really sent me into a very dark place.  My whole being changed.  One afternoon, the idea “came to me” to go to the corner liquor store, get a few bottles, and have a drink or two.  I even had a picture in my mind as to where I could hide the bottles.

I almost moved on it, until I suddenly had a picture of a few of my relatives who had been heavy drinkers.  And “for some reason,” something in me rose up and said, ‘NO!’  And that idea of getting drunk left, and didn’t return.

This dark cloud was looming and I couldn’t get out from under it.  I blamed myself for what happened to my daughters.  And was angry at my husband for what had taken place during our marriage.  And was angry at him for abandoning us.  I needed help, but didn’t want to ask for it.  I didn’t want to be weak.  So I tried to keep a poker face.

I would go church, every now-and-then, to see my daughters perform, but that was the extent of it.  I went to work for a friend of mine, but found the difficult clients too much for me to deal with, and resigned.

By that time, depressed wouldn’t be the word I would use to describe state.  Hopeless would have been the better word.  The thought that I would grow old by myself was too much. And I thought that I would always have to deal with this…whatever-it-was…for the rest of my life.  I wanted to be healed, delivered and set free from this.

But it didn’t come until I started to move in my purpose.  Not only with this blog, which I believe the Lord lead me to do, but shortly after starting this blog, I was called back to the church I had vowed never to return to.

There is so much to this, it would take a novel to tell it all.  but it will have to wait until another post.  I will say that as of this past Thursday, during an evening service, I allowed the Lord to deliver me.  Why the word allow? Well, I really became tired of being tired.  I became tired of being scared of a feature of being single.  I became tired of being unforgiving toward myself.  I just place everything at Jesus feet and left and left it all there.  I’ll explain later… 🙂







8 Replies to “Up From Under a Dark Cloud”

  1. I can see the Lord’s hand of grace being upon you during all these difficult times. He was molding you and preparing you for what He is calling you to do. You have experienced alot… You have been graced alot… And now you are faithfully serving our Lord alot!

    I am anxious to see how the Lord uses you in the years to come, I think He has big plans for you Dulcinea. Thanks for you faitfulness in sharing God’s grace in your life with all of us !

  2. Wow! So many things similar to my story. It would be fun to sit down and chat and share the things we have experienced and what we have learned.

    I think the most important thing I learned from everything so far is that Jesus Christ is the ONLY one who is guaranteed to never let us down. There is nothing else that can fill ALL our emptinesses. Relationships cannot. Money cannot. Health cannot. But fears that come from lacking any of those things (I too have worried about a life of being single)…or whatever…can ALL be replaced and filled when we put our whole trust in Him.

    I had heard it said that He was the ONLY way….and now I too know that it is true. Just wish I hadn’t had to find out the hard way.

    I feel a ton of love for you and hope you feel loved and supported. God IS good! And he does come to us in are times of need…through blogs, strange new friends (that’d be me, not you…that is “strange” :))…any way it takes to show His love. He is truly merciful and miraculous!!

    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

    1. I most certainly do feel loved and supported. You’re right, the fears leave and are replaced when we trust. Our Jesus really is all we need. 🙂 Everything else just seems to pale in comparison.

      It would be a blessing to sit down with you. 🙂

      Tons of love back at ya ❤ , with a big hug 🙂

  3. Here is the poem, it reminds me of what I have always seen in your heart…its like one of your prayers to God, may you have a restful sleep my sister!

    A Lasting Stay (To God)

    You make each day
    Much more beautiful,
    Every time You grace
    It with Your smile

    The seconds, the minutes,
    And the hours,
    Find their moments of life
    So very worthwhile

    And life finds a beautiful
    Increase in value,
    As Your breath fills my
    Lungs each day

    For the power of love in
    Your spirits heart,
    Makes every living moment
    With You a lasting stay.

    Wendell A. Brown,

  4. My heart is moved deeply by all that you and your family have gone through. Dulcinea, do not blame yourself as there is evil everywhere in this world and can be closer to us than any place. God has lifted that evil out of your life, so do not let it enter again in memories, let it go and keep moving forward…the Lord is with you always and his love is alive in the smiles and embraces of your children, you are their strength, and their love is yours and God makes it blossom daily to nourish your heart and spirit. Sending you a blanket of hugs and blessings for each of you…i love you my dear sister, remember we are part of His love and his binding spirit and his living vine…we are all one together blessed by his grace and love! Have a beautiful day tomorrow D! I thought about this poem, as I read your words, trust in his love, and the thoughts will not stay.

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