As I sign on and come to my administration page, I hear one word, Survivor.
‘Survivor? A survivor of what,’ I asked, with quite a bit of attitude, as the idea for this page comes to me. ‘Who really wants to read yet another I-made-it-through-hard times page? Surely there’s something else you want me to write about.’
Yeah, I’m stubborn. I know what His silence means to me. It means that I know full well that I need to stop bucking and kicking, and simply obey.
‘But I really don’t want to expose people, or make them look like monsters. And I really don’t want to seem like I’m asking for sympathy. I’m not some poor pathetic women who hasn’t already risen above so much, with You. Why do I need to rehash all this? And today of all days You want me to start writing about this stuff?! You know that it’s my 24th wedding anniversary. And You also know that it might as well have ended at the 18th year. Why do I even need to write about this? It hurts too much. And this morning was no exception!’
All the while I’m typing, I receive the answer before I even asked the question,
‘Because, (my name), I can trust you with the pain now.’
Huh? Oh! I get it. There was a time that I was quick to pick up the phone, and call on people to pray about situations, without asking for discernment as to who I should be asking. Not everyone was all that trustworthy for me to have done that. And I guess in the Lord’s eyes, it gossip. And I wouldn’t forgive very easily. In fact, I would go out of my way to make sure my husband knew that I was holding something against him, in the hopes he would follow me and apologize. (Shaking my head at myself.)
It was inevitable that my spirit would be commissioned to write about this stuff. And I always thought that I would be prepared to do so when the time came. Not! By nature, I’m a pretty private person. It was all I could do to start this blog in the first place. And now, the time is here and I’m scared spitless! But, here I go…