Ever make a decision, move on that decision and in the midst of it feel utterly alone and abandoned-feeling as if you have made the worst mistake and there is absolutely no way to recover from it? What I’ve noticed about such decisions, at least in my case, is that they cause lies to be told because you’re concerned about how you look in others’ eyes, especially the eyes of your loved ones. After all, I don’t want to hurt anyone, right?
As a Christian, there is that internal voice of the Holy Spirit. And He doesn’t force Himself on us, but gives that inner “you will be better off if you don’t do that.” I had one such unction lately. The Lord even used my oldest daughter to compel me to not make this certain decision. I attempted to ease my daughter’s worry with what I knew were lies. I really didn’t want to make this decision, but I felt I would be hurting the other party if I didn’t go through with it. (I didn’t rob a bank, or anything like that. It was more along the lines of a personal, relational decision.)
Her pleas were irritating her sister, and myself at times. But I couldn’t allow her sister, or anyone else to tell her to stop her pleading. I didn’t want her to feel like an outcast for showing spiritual, Christ-like concern for me. I heard her love for me, and the love of the Lord, in her voice and saw it in her eyes.
She quoted James 4:17…
“Therefore, to him who knows to do good and does not do it,
to him it is sin.”
I felt such a tug in my spirit. A battle was taking place and I was giving into the other side.
‘Am I even saved if I’m knowingly making such decisions,’ was what I kept asking myself that night.
However, I do know that I love the Lord so much and I know that He loves me so much more than I love Him.
After following through with this decision, worship songs would come to my spirit-songs of love and admiration to the Lord. The Lord was showing me that He was right there with me, showing me who I am in His eyes, and that I was corrupting His temple-me.
Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s. ~ 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
Even in the midst of this decision that I shouldn’t have made, He was showing me how much He loves me-that He’ll never let us go without a fight. He’s jealous.
Someone, who will remain nameless, told my oldest daughter, “If she wants to get hit by a truck, that’s her decision.” I believe he was being convicted of his own sin and shortcomings and didn’t want her to continue talking about living a holy life. (Seems strange that those words would come from the person who lead me to the Lord in the first place. To be honest, I think I was focusing on the hurt from this person that I was determined to get away from it for a few days-especially since I was feeling unwanted.)
Our Savior doesn’t feel that way. He never lets go or walks away from us. It may feel that way sometimes because it’s actually our actions that lead us away from Him.
What an amazing, loving, faithful, forgiving God we serve.
For as the heavens are high above the earth,
So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
As a father pities his children,
So the Lord pities those who fear Him. ~ Psalm 103:11-13
I guess that’s the real key isn’t it- the fear of the Lord.
What’s the point of all this-to showcase the dirt in my life? Nope. It’s to showcase how loving our Jesus is. And that no matter who we may think we are, nobody has “arrived.” We are all sinners in need of a Savior.