Well hi there everyone. It’s been a pretty good while since I last had a chunky post. Life has been a crazy roller coaster lately. “House cleaning” wasn’t easy, but needful for my overall wellbeing. Making the decision to get rid things that are not good for you, such as bad eating habits, are important and may come very easily. But having to clean out relationships are just as important, if not more so.
Toxic relationships seem to become a pacifier that’s difficult to get rid of because we grow so attached that it’s hard to let go.
Over the past few months, the Lord has really been growing me up: growing pains and all. And I know it’s worth it in the long run. Yet, smack dab in the middle of the decision making of cutting a person or persons loose is daunting and painful. Eventually, what helped me make these decisions was remembering my purpose and the potential of losing the anointing that comes with it – just like Sampson who eventually lost his anointing for season, until he repented and God restored him.
I didn’t want that to be me. I didn’t want to continue going back and forth because I want my future with Christ to be more important to me than whether or not I’ll be someone’s significant other!
Settling for companionship over having integrity with the Lord is a decision I’m not making anymore. Whether my husband wants me anymore isn’t an issue. So, In my heart, I placed it all at the feet of Jesus, and let it all go, trusting my unknown future to the Liver of my soul. No “side dish” for the sake of conversation either because that can lead to very messy situations. I believe there are blessings beyond measure in obedience to the Lord.
Granted if I were to tell you all the dirty messy details, some of you would say that I’m justified in “finding love again” and to pursue happiness in that area. My response would be that my spirit, my deep inner-self, who I truly am, won’t allow me to entertain that anymore. It’s not me. It’s not who I was created to be. I have the heart of a wife.
Yes, I am human and of course I miss “certain things.” However, by continuing in my purpose, I believe “those things” will be easier to deal with and will eventually become a non-issue.
Confronting my feelings and dealing with them head on wasn’t easy. But I felt the Lord’s presence when I got very honest with myself and acknowledged certain feelings, as well as acknowledging my fear of letting go. Let’s be honest, we all want to grow old with someone and we don’t want to die alone. At the risk of sounding super-human, I’m going to say that growing old with someone and not wanting to die alone is no longer a fear for me. Really.
Am I bitter about all of this? A few weeks ago I would have answered, ‘yes!’ But today my answer is an honest, ‘no!’ Going through all of this has made me see that I’m a whole lot stronger than I thought I was. For that, I am truly thankful and so very blessed to that the Lord continues to do His work in me.