Not knowing exactly how to start this post yet knowing the post needs to come forth, I’m just going to let it all out – raw and unedited – with the confidence it will reach, touch and minister to those it’s meant to.
As some of you may or may not know, my husband and I have been separated for the better part of 6 years. We interact, but have not been under the same roof since 2010, a year before this blog started. It’s been a roller coaster ride to say the least. Issues with my kids and dealing with them by myself wasn’t something that I had planned for my life when I said, “I do.” My kids’ walk with the Lord suffered and one of my daughters has decided to walk away. I am confident that she won’t stay away from Jesus much longer.
Anyway, so during the separation, my husband would give signs that he wanted to get back together, only to change his mind at the first disagreement. During this time, it took a really heavy toll on my womanhood. At one point the devil had me convinced that I wasn’t woman enough. My mindset was so messed up about myself that I went into depression. Was I ever mad at God for “allowing this to happen”? I’m not going to lie, I did have my temper tantrums to the point of deep sobs. I stopped going to church because I didn’t think that my church because the people didn’t seem Pentecostal enough. I know. Sounds weird but that’s what I thought. Being overlooked and frowned upon by key church members didn’t help either. So I stayed away for approx. 10 months. Eventually, the Lord did call me back and I’ve been an official member since 2012.
Being on the worship team and teaching Missionettes was a blessing too because my focus went from the loss of my marriage to being used by the Lord. It was so humbling – and still is- that the Lord will choose to use someone who’s rejected and in the depths of depression in order to reach others. It still gives me goose bumps!
So on and on life went, kids graduating from high school and going on off to college. I continued to blog and take up photography again. The sky and the beach were my retreats. Hours were spent taking pictures and rediscovering myself, the person I lost during a failed marriage. As time went on, I noticed as my blog started evolving and growing, I was doing the same thing. The Lord was really doing a work in me. And every so often there would be a comment or two by bloggers who were used to give me encouragement, support and friendship. No matter how many kind words I received, the fact remained that I was alone, or felt alone. Surrounded by my family, best friend and church family, I put on that happy face as best as I could. Inevitably someone would see through the crap, call me on it and speak a word of encouragement, give a hug or simply and most importantly pray for me. Trust issues were being healed and I didn’t know that I had any until convicted by the Holy Spirit to let go of this, forgive that, remember that? Forgive it. He’s so faithful and loving especially when He corrects us.
So fast forward to this past August when my girls and I moved into our new apartment, it felt like a new beginning! Still in a separation because I really don’t believe in divorce just because the husband and wife aren’t getting along. Some would say that emotional and mental abuse is cause enough for divorce, but neither one of us could find the strength to do that, most likely because we knew, in the back of our minds, that the Lord put us together. So we stayed in limbo speaking occasionally about the kids and making small talk but that took a toll and got old really fast. So the past few months I had made the decision to let go. I wasn’t going to pursue anyone else, either. It was just going to me Jesus, my kids and myself. Easier. Cleaner and less complicated. The more I tried to get comfortable with that decision, my spirit would turn flips as if the Lord was saying, “I have so much more for your life rather than to retreat and hide.” Realizing that it was the Lord speaking to my spirit, I grabbed a pen and a notepad and wrote my pray requests out, every detail and stood on John 14:12-14
“Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and greater works than these he will do, because I go to My Father. And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask anything in My name, I will do it.”
And also, Philippians 4:6
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God…”
I have been doing just that-not with repetitive prayers but truly trusting Him with everything, even if the seemed minute or insignificant. Placing all my concerns at the feet of Jesus and leaving them there. Yes! The enemy came at me with every assault he could think of from family problems, to illness and trying to push me back into depression. And all was pretty good, until two Sundays ago. I stayed home from church. The weight of past words spoken over me and the weight of past and present hurts were too much for me to try to “fake it away” and I stayed home. Normally, my kids’ dad would call me to find out how the service was but when I told him that I didn’t go, he immediately asked me if the reason was our situation. Not wanting to give him the satisfaction, I lied and said no. He knew better though. Last week felt like a month. My spirit missed ministering at church and missed hearing the Word! I felt off kilter. Tuesday rolled around and unexpectedly I had started missing my husband. I didn’t want to miss him. Too much had happened and the stubborn side was trying to kick in but the Lord’s will was taking over me, I felt it. So plans were made to get together over this past weekend. What my Savior and my God had set in motion blew my mind and to be honest, I’m still “tripping out” over it as I compose this post!
To make a very long story short, I received apologies for past a present hurts that I thought would never come. He wanted me to let it all out, everything that I held against him and he was able to see how his actions had affected me as a mom, wife and especially a woman. Tearfully, he apologized for never expressing how beautiful he thinks I am. That one sentence alone, blew me away! He’d never said anything like that to me before. Also, he was able to express certain things to me that he felt let down about and to my surprise I wasn’t argumentative. I truly felt the Lord softening my heart to him and I heard myself apologize to him.
In short, we have decided to baby step it and reconcile-not going overboard, but taking it one day at a time.
Most likely the Lord used this time of separation to break the two of us of our preconceived notions about each other and break down our mindsets in order to give us His mind and His heart concerning each other. It is not as dynamic of a testimony as some I’ve heard but a victory nonetheless. No situation is too big or too small for our God!
Rejoicing, jubilant and thankful
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